Our every instinct is to be as nice as possible in every way to our new partners when we start dating. We want them to think the best of us, so we always put them first and are prepared to drop everything at a moment’s notice to keep them happy. Surely, we think to ourselves, if we do this then they’ll want to be with us all the time and never want to be with anyone else?
It’s a nice thought, but it ultimately doesn’t work that way. Time and again we find out that nice guys and girls come last when it comes to the dating game. You may be in danger of being labelled as ‘too nice’ is you tend to fall into the following behaviours:
- You hesitate to express your opinions in case you offend.
- You let your love interest lead and make all the decisions
- You say ‘yes’ to their every suggestion.
- You avoid conflict even if it disadvantages you
- You try to please them all the time
- You are trying to spend all your spare time with them.
- You cut ties with friends, and change your interests and hobbies for them
- You find yourself apologising all the time
- You have sex before you’re entirely comfortable in the relationship
- You are constantly ringing or texting or contacting them through social media
- You are putting all the effort into chasing them without it being reciprocated
You are trying in these cases to make your new love interest feel special by putting them and their desires first in the belief that the better you are towards them, the more they will appreciate you. Unfortunately it just doesn’t work that way.
Any healthy relationship is one between two equals. There must be challenge, and a sense of being able to have your own lives and friends in addition to the new relationship that you are forming. Being able to disagree and say ‘no’ is an important part of this because the best relationships are the ones where the power is shared. It is vital to know that your roles are in balance with each other and that there is an equal amount of respect on each side.
When you spend too much time trying to be ‘nice’, your partner will start to take you for granted. From there it’s a short step to being seen as desperate and insecure. When that essential respect for you is lost, there are precious few opportunities to get it back short of some radical steps that may even make things worse, or get you labelled as a drama queen.
So, be strong and stick to your guns. Let someone chase you for a change and don’t be scared to say ‘no’. You may be pleasantly surprised by the respect this gains you.